Sunday, June 9, 2013

The dreams


The house was large.....many bedrooms, peeling paint. My siblings and I all running around picking bedrooms to share. My little brother there clinging to me. This would be something we would do many times in our childhood. I chose the room with the tub. The broken bathroom with no plumbing but a tub as if somehow the tub would save me. I stood in the doorway looking at always the tub, the sound of running water drowning out everything.  A place for me to scrub off the "dirty" and the pain. Trying hard to convince my sister this was the room for us. This is the room we would sleep together and cling to each other in fear. If we needed to hide we could always go to the teeny bathroom and bolt the door. This house had no closets like some of the others to hide in. The bathroom had no working lights it would be perfect. The room had a window onto the roof top. This would become a pattern for me. Tiny dark spaces, spaces to hide and little did I know at the time the tub would become my escape that would follow me into adulthood.

With the beginning of my project just waiting for the studio to be put together in a couple of weeks I am now driven to dream. I have for many years had these recurring dreams that I dreaded. Always of the same topic. Lost, homeless, running, hiding, dirty, afraid, penniless..... I hated the dreams and never wanted to remember them. It is different now. I want to remember. I want to dream. I welcome them. I am driven to go there so I can wake to write.

There were large dark trees everywhere. I found them beautiful especially at night. I found if I could stay out of site during the day as much as possible it was better. Crawling out of the window at night to sit on the rooftop and listen to the wind blowing in the trees left me calm. The world felt so big beyond them. Here is where the lines blur between my dream last night and true feelings. I wonder if this will be a pattern for me? Dream, wake to the pen hits the paper and I write the dreams go to the reality of my childhood. I am not sure at this point what shall come I just know I feel lead. Something pulling me hard. Excitement now to fall asleep and dream so I can wake to write. Soon I will be in my studio creating my reality of the past......I shall walk into the darkness and finally face it head on.


Friday, June 7, 2013

Darkness ahead....

Darkness ahead...


Today has haunted me..... today is my Fathers Birthday. One week before mine. This is the only day of the year I allow thoughts in that involve him. Dark brooding thoughts that leave me tired and empty. Struggling to maintain and keeping those thoughts at bay always seem to be a chore and today for some reason it has not happened. He has been with me... right over my shoulder in all of his ugliness. I want him to go away, I want him to stay away. I do not want his presence anywhere near me or in my life. Harsh but true, and cold. Yes it is, anything to do with him leaves me chilled. He has no right to a day in my life.

As I am getting close to starting my project it amazes me how much it has already taken over. My mind unable to stop, restless and driven. In a couple of weeks I will be going on vacation to once again unpack my studio. It feels like the beginning of something unexplainable at this moment. Something unknown. Something not pretty or easy. My thoughts are filled with ugly and dirty. I am battling the images in my head knowing I have no choice but to see them and see them clearly. No color, nothing but black and grey. Something definitely out of the norm for me. When I create I see things in color, bright vivid color that makes my heart sing and dance. How am I going to be able to create dark and ugly? Seems as though I no longer have the choice. If I am going to move forward with this I have made the deal with myself to be as honest and open as possible. To push the limits and put it out there for the reality that it is. If I am to get whatever it is that I am searching for from this there is no other road to travel but the one deep into the night. The road that has haunted me in my dreams. Those dreams of being lost, homeless, no purse, no shoes, no clothes, running, always running. The dreams that I have come to know so well.....

Thursday, June 6, 2013

A Road to the Past


I cannot remember a time when deep down I did not feel lost..... drifting, looking, searching. Knowing there was something good and normal but always just outside of my reach. Thinking as long as I kept moving forward someday I would "get there". Those of you that know me know that I just recently purchased a house. All my life I have believed that there is this magical place that I will land and call home. I have dreamt of this place many long years. Several times I could see it just at the end of the road and I would get so close I could almost run to it. Yet something always happened to put it just outside of my reach. A voice whispering  that the time has just not come. Fast forward to now and I found it.... that magical space, THE SPACE, THE HOME. I wanted to shout I found it. I wanted my heart to sing and I wanted to throw myself on the ground and say I have waited a lifetime for you. This new home was never about being large or grandeur. that was not what I searched for at all. I searched for calm, silence and peace. I am here.... totally and incredibly in love with this ethereal place I now get to call home. Grateful and humbled that I get to live here as I unpack and pick paint colors.

I now believe my expectation of what this house would bring me is an impossible expectation. I am saddened beyond belief....

I feel myself still searching, an indescribable emptiness as I drive home from work everyday. Every time I see a for sale sign wondering it that could be "the one". I now have spent many early morning hours recently wondering what is wrong with me. Why still this empty hole?  'The hard answer is simply this.  The hole or emptiness I feel is not about a place it is about something deep within me. Something never brought to the surface. While my intention is to never "air dirty laundry" or hurt those closest to me I know that if I am ever going to be whole I have no choice to face what is buried deep and deal with it. I want so badly to find happiness and love freely so facing it is the only choice for me.

The fork in the road.... the one never traveled.... the one that for sure I would get lost on is now before me beckoning me to take it in all of its sadness and pain. The road of the past. I know most people would say leave the past behind but for me that is now impossible. Ignoring it or fooling myself into believing that I am strong and don't need to deal with it is just a crutch. In all actuality having a plan makes me feel hopeful for the future. A future where there is no burden from the past. Unrealistic? Maybe but I have to try.

I have been told many times by those closest to me that I should write a story about my life. The truth is I don't like words. I find words to be harsh and cold. Maybe too painful to put on paper. I have decided instead to do a series of photos depicting the memories from an early age. Memories of a gypsy life consisting of abuse, abandonment and solitude at times. Darkness and ugliness. Just putting the "ugly" on paper is not easy. I have no idea where this journey shall lead me I just know I have to go and I have to go now. I do this not for sympathy from anyone I do this for self preservation and to find my way home. Join me if you like.


Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The vintage gypsy turns 50

A big day..... I keep hearing from loved ones and friends that a 50th birthday is a big day. I want to say hell yeah to that it. It is big for me for many reasons. Where I have been and where I am headed. Much has went on in those fifty years. Some very good things. The birth of all of my children is what stands out the most to me. A rough couple of years in the recent past of which has made me much stronger. Never easy loosing someone you love especially when it is by there own hand and could have been fixed. Oh well. Guess what... its ok, as a matter of fact it is wonderful because the change has brought great things. Great things like my wonderful and loving boyfriend whom I adore..... great more dark days......big opportunities......amazing talented friends. So on my 50th birthday today I shall share with you my path of dreams. The path that I walk daily of which has been cleared so beautifully for me.

My new friend whom I lovingly call Lala. She is also known as "Chasing Claire DeLune". Lala sent me a message through Pinterest one day not so long ago and said we must be soul sisters and yes she was right. Lala is the most amazingly talented person I have ever known on the face of the earth. I have dreams that she has brought to life. I try to tell her all the time that I could set at the machine and sew all day or solder but without her vision and expertise my dream would still be sitting at the table or hanging in the closet with no where to go. Lala gave me and my art direction and this wonderful path that "Juju" as just begun to walk down. Lala shows me the way. Lala makes magic. Thank you I love you dearly.

My friend Wendy.... oh how I love my friend Wendy. Wendy has been there with me through a lot. Wendy watched me cry at work on a daily basis for a year. Wendy still watches me cry. Just thinking of what she means to me at this very moment brings a tear to my eye. She is one of the most loving, giving and understanding women I know. She never judges and always gets me. I tease her all the time that she has become a gypsy too. She has learned how to find and pick treasures with me. She texts me at midnight and listens to all my crazy brainstorms. She road trips with me even right around the corner. Most of all she laughs with me daily. Without Wendy I would be lost. Wendy and I shall grow old and work in the barn on the water together...... I love you Wendy. (I even made you skinny in your pic).

My friend Cindy......Cindy is my artsy friend that sees a vision in everything. I tend to be "in the box". I think within the boundaries of the sewing machine and the soldering iron. Cindy has a vision in every single object. She gets onto the wagon with me everyday and down the road of our vision we head while she is steadily saying  we can do this and this and this. According to her we can do anything and we shall. She sees no road blocks and the bumps are invisible and she laughs and say "c'mon girl lets go. I have found my part in this relationship has been focus. Everything and anything is a focus for her and this has opened up many doors for us. She knocks the fear away, sticks her boots on and out the door she goes. Cindy is a joy and inspiration and touches all our lives on a daily basis. I love you Cinin.

The "Fair Belle Maidens" aka my friends at work, Wendy's beautiful daughter Britney and Cindy's gorgeous daughter Michelle followed me into my dream this year....

And for my fall photo shoot they will follow me by plane, train or car as I unveil my amazing fall line of clothing and jewels .Lala and I can't decide which although she usually wins because she is much smarter than I. I hope you will come too.....

Many thanks to those things that continue to inspire me.
Does it get any better than Magonolia Pearl?

Gibbous Fashions..... the most amazing and inspiring studio I have ever laid eyes upon.

And NEVER EVER could I leave our Miranda Lambert whose music I dance to as I work......

Oh and the best for last..... good lord willing I shall buy a house. I have had several houses in my lifetime. Always a house that was picked out of necessity. Where the kids needed to be, size that was good for the family, many a fixer upper yada yada yada. Funny how the houses were always temporary. Never a house where I felt I had truly "landed". I now intend to find it...... finally find it. And when I do I shall celebrate, I shall close my eyes thank god, take the key and and never leave. I shall spend many a lost hour with my grand babies. My house shall not be fancy, it will be reflective of me.
A place to relax

and feast in the garden

                                                                   feed the animals

And last but not least the biggest dream of all...... the one I have so waited for, the one where we all shall gather to celebrate, dance and play.

The barn by the water.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

The best birthday of all!

Hard to believe I am turning fifty. Sometimes I repeat it and it does not seem possible. Other times when I reflect back and think of my life I know its at least my fiftieth birthday. One long journey behind me and one incredible one ahead. So many challenges to come but surely not as many as I have overcome, or so one would hope. I had my first child at seventeen then three more boys after that. Feels like I have had kids my whole life. Before that I was the oldest of five children and my parents who divorced when I was young seemed to lead us into some gypsy life traveling the world and never knowing where we would call home or which parent we would be with. Also seems I spent a lot of time caring for my brothers and sisters. I at times feel like a bad person when I say I am so happy to just about have my children raised. One in his thirties, one getting ready to turn 28, one 21 and the last one at home 18 with one more year left of high school. I do know we never quit being parents no matter how old they get but that being said I really am looking forward to the ME time ahead. Time finally to do the things that I have so longed to do and man oh man is there a bucket list of them. When I think of fifty my first thought would be I have to get it all done before I run out of time. The self fulfillment of knowing I have made my mark before I leave here. All the things spinning around in my head that always got pushed back for a later date. I am here to tell you my friends the time is now and there is no later date. I shall move forward with one goal leading directly into another and another. I shall create and dream and play. I shall good lord willing find my barn by the water and all my friends shall come and play too....we will learn to love and be understanding yet brutally honest with one another. I find as I get older I demand honesty and loyalty and no longer am so willing to tolerate anything less. There is no time for it. I shall learn to kindly say NO. I have never been very good at doing that. I am going to pray to learn to listen more and talk less....(hard for me, I ramble). I will hold the few that I love dearly close to my heart and I will open my heart more and try to not worry so about being hurt. Life is about taking a chance and the moment we stop taking chances we stop growing. No time for that, I want to grow and learn and soak in every opportunity that comes my way. I want to learn to love deeply, yes deeply and as sappy as that sounds I shall accomplish this because this has been an issue for me. I have always held back some part of me and by doing this I have self punished. No holding back. No time for that. I shall do all the silly things I have dreamed of.  I will create a very private place when I buy my house and put a tub outside. I will then take a bath under the stars with a bazillion candles lit listening to some sappy song and drink sweet tea. I will spend more time with my beautiful wonderful grandbabies. My 27 year old son Jody was over the other night and he said I was becoming more eccentric as I got older.  I replied "yep" I sure am as a smile crept across my face. I am proud of where I have come from but more proud of the direction I am heading......

Heres to you fifty I will see you at the barn by the water really soon and we shall celebrate every day!


P.S. Thank you Chasing Claire De Lune for allowing me to use your artwork. I so love you....

Friday, May 11, 2012

Finding my bliss....

Life is a journey. Seems it always will be. I will be fifty next month and that is something that I am very proud of. I am so so proud of it because I have spent many years trying to find my artistic bliss. I have tried many forms of art....all good.... all enjoyable. But none were mine. People praised me and told me how beautiful my creations were nevertheless they were not me. I would look in magazines and at pictures as we all do. I would hang out with friends and try all these things every one else did to see if I could make them and yes for the most part I could. After all, we do find inspiration from others work. Still......something was always missing when I looked at the finished product. It was not mine. I  decided in January of this year to dig really deep and find what was "mine". I gave many many hours of thought to what was it that I had a true love for.....what excited me? Not, what was everything I liked to do but what really really spoke to me deep inside somewhere. What was it when I sat down that could take me away for hours at a time. I gave no thought to money or profit (yes it is true) because it was not about the money. It was about finding me. If I found me and the money came because someone else found it worthy enough to buy it then great. But money was not the motivating factor. I wanted to find me and what brought me great joy. I looked hard.
This meant for the moment I had to put away all the pictures of every ones work that I had admired. This yes, was not easy but I knew as long as I was looking at those things I would be influenced by them and I did not want to be influenced by anything but what was deep inside my soul. It was and is hard work. Even harder because I have no blue print. I am writing the blueprint day by day. Trial and error. Yes, I have others to bounce ideas off of but mostly I have found that even when I do that I come back to my own thoughts and do it "my way". My friends love me enough to never get offended by that thank god. I have to tell you once my train of thought went in this direction things have never been the same. I am so driven beyond belief. My mind and my body fight with one another all the time. The body says stop you have got to sleep the mind says no you have no time for that because you have found you. I have a few friends right now that I dearly love and they are having this same issue all I can say to you is dig deep. Don't worry about letting others down worry about letting yourself down because ultimately if you do what someone else thinks you should then you are truly slighting yourself and artistic happiness will never be found. It is a hard journey but when you get there oh what a wonderful joyful feeling. I wish I could describe it but really I cannot.Trust me you will know it when you get there. It will be a feeling like none other. A driving passion that will never go away. There will be so many new doors to walk through that you will never have believed imaginable. Dance through those doors and shut the old ones behind you for in these moments you have found you. You will have found your bliss!


Friday, May 4, 2012

Where are all the cowgirl loving gypsies??

Ok where are all my cowgirl loving gypsies? C'mon girls get your mojo going and get on in here and register for this rocking give away. It is your chance to design your very own one of a kind saloon slip. You pick your favorite colors and the magic begins. Not only do you win the slip but also you get a piece of gypsy boho jewelry like no other. I say make those friends of yours green with envy but in all fairness since you love them so much make sure you share this with them so they have a chance to win too. I don't know about you but at least a friend winning is better than a stranger because then I get a chance to borrow it.... Fellow bloggers please show some love and repost on your blog as well! I am loving life over here what about you?