A Road to the Past

5/30/2013

I cannot remember a time when deep down I did not feel lost..... drifting, looking, searching. Knowing there was something good and normal but always just outside of my reach. Thinking as long as I kept moving forward someday I would "get there". Those of you that know me know that I just recently purchased a house. All my life I have believed that there is this magical place that I will land and call home. I have dreamt of this place many long years. Several times I could see it just at the end of the road and I would get so close I could almost run to it. Yet something always happened to put it just outside of my reach. A voice whispering  that the time has just not come. Fast forward to now and I found it.... that magical space, THE SPACE, THE HOME. I wanted to shout I found it. I wanted my heart to sing and I wanted to throw myself on the ground and say I have waited a lifetime for you. This new home was never about being large or grandeur. that was not what I searched for at all. I searched for calm, silence and peace. I am here.... totally and incredibly in love with this ethereal place I now get to call home. Grateful and humbled that I get to live here as I unpack and pick paint colors.

I now believe my expectation of what this house would bring me is an impossible expectation. I am saddened beyond belief....

I feel myself still searching, an indescribable emptiness as I drive home from work everyday. Every time I see a for sale sign wondering it that could be "the one". I now have spent many early morning hours recently wondering what is wrong with me. Why still this empty hole?  'The hard answer is simply this.  The hole or emptiness I feel is not about a place it is about something deep within me. Something never brought to the surface. While my intention is to never "air dirty laundry" or hurt those closest to me I know that if I am ever going to be whole I have no choice to face what is buried deep and deal with it. I want so badly to find happiness and love freely so facing it is the only choice for me.

The fork in the road.... the one never traveled.... the one that for sure I would get lost on is now before me beckoning me to take it in all of its sadness and pain. The road of the past. I know most people would say leave the past behind but for me that is now impossible. Ignoring it or fooling myself into believing that I am strong and don't need to deal with it is just a crutch. In all actuality having a plan makes me feel hopeful for the future. A future where there is no burden from the past. Unrealistic? Maybe but I have to try.

I have been told many times by those closest to me that I should write a story about my life. The truth is I don't like words. I find words to be harsh and cold. Maybe too painful to put on paper. I have decided instead to do a series of photos depicting the memories from an early age. Memories of a gypsy life consisting of abuse, abandonment and solitude at times. Darkness and ugliness. Just putting the "ugly" on paper is not easy. I have no idea where this journey shall lead me I just know I have to go and I have to go now. I do this not for sympathy from anyone I do this for self preservation and to find my way home. Join me if you like.

xoxoxoxo