The house was large.....many bedrooms, peeling paint. My siblings and I all running around picking bedrooms to share. My little brother there clinging to me. This would be something we would do many times in our childhood. I chose the room with the tub. The broken bathroom with no plumbing but a tub as if somehow the tub would save me. I stood in the doorway looking at it......as always the tub, the sound of running water drowning out everything. A place for me to scrub off the "dirty" and the pain. Trying hard to convince my sister this was the room for us. This is the room we would sleep together and cling to each other in fear. If we needed to hide we could always go to the teeny bathroom and bolt the door. This house had no closets like some of the others to hide in. The bathroom had no working lights it would be perfect. The room had a window onto the roof top. This would become a pattern for me. Tiny dark spaces, spaces to hide and little did I know at the time the tub would become my escape that would follow me into adulthood.
With the beginning of my project just waiting for the studio to be put together in a couple of weeks I am now driven to dream. I have for many years had these recurring dreams that I dreaded. Always of the same topic. Lost, homeless, running, hiding, dirty, afraid, penniless..... I hated the dreams and never wanted to remember them. It is different now. I want to remember. I want to dream. I welcome them. I am driven to go there so I can wake to write.
There were large dark trees everywhere. I found them beautiful especially at night. I found if I could stay out of site during the day as much as possible it was better. Crawling out of the window at night to sit on the rooftop and listen to the wind blowing in the trees left me calm. The world felt so big beyond them. Here is where the lines blur between my dream last night and true feelings. I wonder if this will be a pattern for me? Dream, wake to write.....as the pen hits the paper and I write the dreams go to the reality of my childhood. I am not sure at this point what shall come I just know I feel lead. Something pulling me hard. Excitement now to fall asleep and dream so I can wake to write. Soon I will be in my studio creating my reality of the past......I shall walk into the darkness and finally face it head on.