Darkness ahead....

Darkness ahead...

06/05/2013

Today has haunted me..... today is my Fathers Birthday. One week before mine. This is the only day of the year I allow thoughts in that involve him. Dark brooding thoughts that leave me tired and empty. Struggling to maintain and keeping those thoughts at bay always seem to be a chore and today for some reason it has not happened. He has been with me... right over my shoulder in all of his ugliness. I want him to go away, I want him to stay away. I do not want his presence anywhere near me or in my life. Harsh but true, and cold. Yes it is, anything to do with him leaves me chilled. He has no right to a day in my life.

As I am getting close to starting my project it amazes me how much it has already taken over. My mind unable to stop, restless and driven. In a couple of weeks I will be going on vacation to once again unpack my studio. It feels like the beginning of something unexplainable at this moment. Something unknown. Something not pretty or easy. My thoughts are filled with ugly and dirty. I am battling the images in my head knowing I have no choice but to see them and see them clearly. No color, nothing but black and grey. Something definitely out of the norm for me. When I create I see things in color, bright vivid color that makes my heart sing and dance. How am I going to be able to create dark and ugly? Seems as though I no longer have the choice. If I am going to move forward with this I have made the deal with myself to be as honest and open as possible. To push the limits and put it out there for the reality that it is. If I am to get whatever it is that I am searching for from this there is no other road to travel but the one deep into the night. The road that has haunted me in my dreams. Those dreams of being lost, homeless, no purse, no shoes, no clothes, running, always running. The dreams that I have come to know so well.....